Iridescent

Too scared…

For the past two weeks, I’ve been thinking about one thing, and it’s been consuming me in a rather painful way. 

I’m dirt poor. 

And the single thought that keeps running through my head is full of self-pity and sadness. “If only my dad was alive, I would have lived like a princess until the day I died…” But then reality hits, and I remember of the events that took place in the last 5 years, and I just sit there with a hollow heart and empty mind. 

I wouldn’t have to worry about tuition or rent, or food or whatever. Then, I start to get angry and bitter at why God took away my dad… but then I quickly remember that God had a plan the whole time, and I wouldn’t have come this far if it weren’t for all these events that occurred in my life. 

Today, I hung up the phone on my mom, because we were talking about apartments, and money, and I’ve never felt so frustrated in my life. I texted her, because I didn’t want to yell on the phone out of my anger at my situation. And she texted me this: 

        MOM:       Amy, don’t misunderstand mom. u so anger easily recently. i feel like u r change a lot now you r 21 adult. adult who is everything responsible. so find out and more arrange and figure out financially too. call tonite. talk to more abt apt. i love you even you mad or anger baby cry or dirty, it doesn’t matter. 

        ME: Thanks umma! I’m so stressed out. Sorry for being so mean. 

       MOM: It’s okay. I’m yur mommy.

I lost it after i read this. I ran to the prayer chapel and wept. As I grow older, all I want to cling to is my childhood. I want to CLING onto my good past (or at least the good parts that are left in my memories). I want to be held in the warmth of my mom’s embrace, where it’s safe, and she whispers about lovely things. I want to discover new things with my mommy. I miss being a baby girl. I don’t want to grow old. I’m too scared of growing up. I’m just so scared. 

For the first time, I saw God’s character in the role of a mother. She will love me past all my flaws. She desires to understand me. She wants to protect me. She wants to keep me forever. 

And Father God showed me that I will always be His little princess. Even though I may not look it. I am. He reminds me of Matthew 6:26-33. The passage that is so personal to me ever since 4th grade…my history with God. And He says don’t worry child.

He will keep me. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sHhhTtqWcOM

It is good to praise the LORD.

To proclaim His love in the morning…faithfulness at night….

Worship is a fragrance that arises to His courts. It is something that is truly special. So may our worship to God, our adoration be thick like a cloud, unleashing joy and laughter from the King!

שָׂשׂוֹן

DON’T LET THE DEVIL ROB YOU OF THE JOY OF HIS SALVATION!! BECAUSE WHEN THE JOY OF SALVATION IS GONE, I SIN. HOLD ON TO THAT JOYFUL HEART THAT SINGS TO GOD WITH DELIGHT. HOLD IT AND KEEP IT. WHATEVER YOU DO, DON’T LET THE JOY OF SALVATION BE TAKEN FROM YOU. 

¹⁰ Create in me a clean heart, O God,
    and renew a right^[b] spirit within me.
¹¹ Cast me not away from your presence,
    and take not your Holy Spirit from me.
¹² Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
    and uphold me with a willing spirit.

|psalm 51:10-12|

I will FIGHT FOR JOY!!!!!!!!!! NO MATTER THE COST, BECAUSE MY JOY BRINGS HIM JOY. AND HE BRINGS ME STRENGTH. STRENGTH TO PURSUE HOLINESS. STRENGTH TO ENDURE. STRENGTH TO LOVE. 

Nehemiah 8:10

“it’s just personal”

Tonight, I walked to the Library, and I smelled some wood burning. And immediately, I had a flashback to when my family and I went camping when I was in middle school. I was reminded that I haven’t gone camping since middle school. The last time I went camping was with my dad also, and then I started getting thoughts of deep longing and aching for my dad.

APPA.… when was the last time I said that? It seems so foreign and awkward to me now to say it. 

I started remembering all the good days and fun times we shared together. I started missing him. I couldn’t hold the tears back. And because I started crying, I wanted to go away somewhere. Somewhere secret, where I could be free to cry. It’s a strange land…the land of tears.  It always leads us elsewhere. 

I went back to my room, and found myself still secretly tearing up. I sucked it up, and kept thinking about where I could go to run away for the time being. People don’t understand that I just need to run away for a little. I want to runaway from the pain, from the sadness, from the brokenness. 

Because that’s what I do. I hide myself. I run away. But I need to learn to hide myself in Him, and to runaway to Him. I just want God’s embrace. I want my Father’s embrace. He satisfies my deepest longing and aches. 

“Nothing right sizes us like pain… when we embrace our weakness, there’s a little bit more space for someone else inside.Pain and suffering has the potential to open the human heart more deeply to another. .” - Steve Porter. 

Papa, let me listen to You a little bit more. I’m a little bit more smaller. Your grace is sufficient for me. Your power is made perfect in my weakness. May your power dwell in me. 

LORD, I NEED YOU. 

Friends are a gift from God.

To: Sarah Nam (please read all of it… i got emotional writing this.)

Lately, I’ve been thinking about changes. And it’s been a minor thing, but it’s been slightly painful. I’m almost a Senior at Biola now. This will be my last year living in a dorm. I’m not rooming with my best friend next year. And pretty soon, I won’t be able to see her daily… this makes me terribly sad. It makes me think, maybe I shouldn’t have made myself so vulnerable so that I would feel like this in the end. It makes me think, maybe I shouldn’t have shared so much, and loved so much that the thought of departing makes me pout and whine. It makes me think, I shouldn’t have gotten so attached, if I knew that we were going to separate eventually. 

BUT, I remember all the memories that were shared in each other’s presence. I remember such laughter and tears in the little moments of our lives. And I don’t regret any of it. I remember the silence shared in awkward moments. I remember the spontaneous and random nights of me bursting out in tacky dancing. I remember when you would worship in your bed, and I would take pictures to document. I remember the lonely days in Sigma when no one came to visit us. I remember always eating snacks in the middle of the night, and getting chubby cheeks with you. I remember such things and so much more. We have so many differences, and little similarities but one thing that we share in common is the knowledge of God working so intricately in our lives. And sharing that with you was more than a blessing, it was a favor from the Lord to me. I thank God that He has graciously and lovingly placed you in my life.

“It was hard to depart; but if the good-bye is not painful, the hello cannot be joyful either.” - Henri Nouwen

“Joy and sadness are as close to each other as the splendid colored leaves of a New England fall to the soberness of the barren trees. When you touch the hand of a returning friend, you already know that he will have to leave you again. When you are moved by the quiet vastness of a sun-covered ocean, you miss the friend who cannot see the same. Joy and sadness are born at the same time, both arising from such deep places in your heart that you can’t find words to capture your complex emotions.” - Henri Nouwen

Sarah Nam, I’m so glad that I could call you my best friend. God reminds me of His faithfulness by showing me your face in my prayers! So thankful and blessed. It’s been such a joy getting to know you for the past 3 years, almost every single day! We have one more year together. Let’s make the best of it.  

Proverbs 27:9—-Oil and perfume make the heart glad, and the sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest counsel.

Proverbs 27:17—- Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.

Thank you my dear friend. 

Within the Veil! Be this, beloved, thy portion,
Within the secret of thy Lord to dwell;
Beholding Him, until His face Thy glory,
Thy life, His love, thy lips, His praise shall tell.

Within the Veil! For only as thou gazest
Upon the matchless beauty of His face,
Can’st thou become a living revelation
Of His great heart of love, His untold grace.

Within the Veil! His fragrance pour’d upon thee,
Without the Veil, that fragrance shed abroad;
Within the Veil, His hand shall tune the music
Which sounds on earth the praises of thy Lord.

Within the Veil, thy spirit deeply anchored,
Thou walkest calm above a world of strife;
Within the Veil, thy soul with Him united,
Shall live on earth His resurrection life
.

Commission My Soul

At the ICS (Intercultural Studies) Banquet, this was read by the professors to the Seniors graduating, and the students to the professors who taught them. 

Professors: 

May the Father’s glory be your dearest treasure, 

the Father’s might be your surest truth,

the Father’s love your truest name; 

May Christ be your Light in the darkest hour, 

Christ be your Stream of Life in the driest desert,

Christ be your Sure Foundation as the very earth gives way; 

May the Holy Spirit be ever near you in the most treacherous valley, 

the Holy Spirit’s comfort be your assurance until the vision is complete; 

May God hem you in on all sides; May His Most Holy Name shame and terrify the evil one, and His grace redeem all things; May you trust in Christ as the Author and Perfector of your salvation; In His name we bless you, our prized students,

Amen.

Students: 

Amen, 

We honor the Father whose glory is our dearest treasure, 

Whose might is our surest truth,

Whose love is our truest name;

We exalt Christ who is our Light in the darkest hour, 

Our Stream of Life in the direst desert,

Our Sure Foundation as the earth beneath us gives way; 

We bless the Holy Spirit who is nearest to us in our desolation,

Who is our Breath of hope in our gravest trial,

and our assurance until the Day of the Lord;

We go forth, knowing that God hems us in on all sides;

We boldly declare His name to cast out the evil one, to be men and women of resurrection. We plead to Christ who saves us, that He might perfect our faith; In His name we thank you, dear professors. 

Amen.

This year, junior ICS and Anthropology majors, will be all over the WORLD! 

To name a few: Morocco, Israel, China, Spain, Mongolia, Germany, Russia, USA, Indonesia, Africa, Philippines, Cambodia, Thailand, Scotland, Japan, South Korea, Uganda, Ukraine, Myanmar, Peru, Kenya, Egypt, Oman, Bulgaria, Romania, Sri Lanka, Lesotho, Ireland, Mexico, Baleric Islands.

CRAZINESS. After they called all our names, and country, all the professors, and faculty stretched out their hands, and blessed us to go out to do Kingdom work. After this, We went outside Calvary Chapel, and we had our huge ICS world map laid out, and had the graduating Senior take off their shoes, and stand on the map where God was tugging at their hearts. Then the juniors, professors, and faculty circled around them and prayed. 

 I seriously have the best major.