For the past two weeks, I’ve been thinking about one thing, and it’s been consuming me in a rather painful way.
I’m dirt poor.
And the single thought that keeps running through my head is full of self-pity and sadness. “If only my dad was alive, I would have lived like a princess until the day I died…” But then reality hits, and I remember of the events that took place in the last 5 years, and I just sit there with a hollow heart and empty mind.
I wouldn’t have to worry about tuition or rent, or food or whatever. Then, I start to get angry and bitter at why God took away my dad… but then I quickly remember that God had a plan the whole time, and I wouldn’t have come this far if it weren’t for all these events that occurred in my life.
Today, I hung up the phone on my mom, because we were talking about apartments, and money, and I’ve never felt so frustrated in my life. I texted her, because I didn’t want to yell on the phone out of my anger at my situation. And she texted me this:
MOM: Amy, don’t misunderstand mom. u so anger easily recently. i feel like u r change a lot now you r 21 adult. adult who is everything responsible. so find out and more arrange and figure out financially too. call tonite. talk to more abt apt. i love you even you mad or anger baby cry or dirty, it doesn’t matter.
ME: Thanks umma! I’m so stressed out. Sorry for being so mean.
MOM: It’s okay. I’m yur mommy.
I lost it after i read this. I ran to the prayer chapel and wept. As I grow older, all I want to cling to is my childhood. I want to CLING onto my good past (or at least the good parts that are left in my memories). I want to be held in the warmth of my mom’s embrace, where it’s safe, and she whispers about lovely things. I want to discover new things with my mommy. I miss being a baby girl. I don’t want to grow old. I’m too scared of growing up. I’m just so scared.
For the first time, I saw God’s character in the role of a mother. She will love me past all my flaws. She desires to understand me. She wants to protect me. She wants to keep me forever.
And Father God showed me that I will always be His little princess. Even though I may not look it. I am. He reminds me of Matthew 6:26-33. The passage that is so personal to me ever since 4th grade…my history with God. And He says don’t worry child.
He will keep me.